Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern
Year Published: 2010
My Rating: 5 stars
176 pages
This was such a fast and funny read.. so enjoyably funny you couldn't not love this dad.
After breaking up with his girlfriend, he moves back in to his family home and since his dad has some funny and witty advice, Justin decides to Twitter his dad's quotes.. When it made a blast, he decided to collect it all in book.
That was a great idea!!!
I would recommend this book to lighten any mood, only if you don't mind a lot of foul language :)
I would await another quote book from Justin's dad!!
I enjoyed so many quotes from this book.. here are a few.. Most of them are hilariously funny..
My dad has always valued education and hard work. "If you work hard and study hard, and you fuck up, that's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuck up," he's said to me on more than one occasion.
My dad noticed when I came home from school looking and feeling upbeat and content after the first week was over. "There's a hop in your step now," he said. "You look like you just finished taking a shit all the time."
On Friendship II
"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."
On Breaking the Neighbor's Window fro the Third Time in a Year
"What in the hell is the matter with you? This is the third time! You know, at this point I think it's the neighbor's fault... No not really, it's your fucking fault, I'm just in denial right now that my DNA was somehow involved in something this stupid."
On My First Driving Lesson
"First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?... Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that's not moving makes you an asshole."
On Selling His Beloved 1967 Two-Door Mercury Cougar
"This is what happens when you have a family. You sacrifice. [ Pause ] You sacrifice a lot. [Long pause] It's gonna be in your best interest to stay away from me for the next couple days."
On Proper Etiquette for Borrowing His Car
"You borrowed the car, and now it smells like shit. I don't care if you smell like shit, that's your business. But when you shit up my car, then that's my business. Take it somewhere and un-shit that smell."
On Curfew
"I don't give a shit what time you get home, just don't wake me up. That's your curfew: not waking me up."
On the Democratic System
"We're having fish for dinner... Fine, let's take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?... Yeah, democracy ain't so fun when it fucks you, huh?"
On Taking My First Girlfriend to Las Vegas
"Vegas? I don't get it, neither of you are old enough to gamble. You're not old enough to drink. The only thing you're old enough to do is rent a hotel and - ah, I gotcha. That's smart."
On My Interest in Going Skydiving
"You won't go do that, I know it... Son, I used to wipe your ass, I know you better than you know you... Fine, Mom used to wipe it, but I was usually nearby."
On the Arm Injury That Ended My Baseball Career
"I'm really sorry, son If you're pissed off and you need to blow off some steam, let me know. We'll go smash some golf balls or something... Oh right, the arm. Well, there's other, nonphysical ways to blow off steam."
"I don't want to know what goes on in that house," he said when I finally asked him if he wanted to come check it out.
"Dad, there's nothing bad going on in the house."
"No. You're not understanding me. I don't care what goes on in that house. It's called apathy. Look it up."
"You little shit," he said. "I can't wait till you have some kid and you get to worry about what happens to him. You never stop worrying about your children. It sucks. You watch what you stick your dick into, because this is your life, this bullshit right here."
On Finding the Best Deal
"Man, you should have seen your mom tear that RadioShack manager a new asshole. I would venture to say she made a home inside his asshole. That will be the last time RadioShack tries to fuck with your mother."
On Driving Through West Hollywood, Where I Lived My First Year in L.A.
"There seem to be a lot of gay people there... Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind."
On Dealing with Loud Neighbors
"Have you told them it bothers you?... Are they bigger than you?... Are you afraid of getting you ass kicked?... Ah, okay, I probably should have asked that question first, woulda saved time. Yeah, you're just gonna have to deal with the noise, son."
I never would have thought a person could so energetically toast a job that paid minimum wage, but my dad's pride was completely genuine.
On Corporate Mascots
"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni, it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real, damn it!"
On Understanding One's Place in the Food Chain
"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."
On Built-Up Expectations
"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big letdown."
On Tailgating the Driver in Front of Me
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."
Year Published: 2010
My Rating: 5 stars
176 pages
This was such a fast and funny read.. so enjoyably funny you couldn't not love this dad.
After breaking up with his girlfriend, he moves back in to his family home and since his dad has some funny and witty advice, Justin decides to Twitter his dad's quotes.. When it made a blast, he decided to collect it all in book.
That was a great idea!!!
I would recommend this book to lighten any mood, only if you don't mind a lot of foul language :)
I would await another quote book from Justin's dad!!
I enjoyed so many quotes from this book.. here are a few.. Most of them are hilariously funny..
My dad has always valued education and hard work. "If you work hard and study hard, and you fuck up, that's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuck up," he's said to me on more than one occasion.
My dad noticed when I came home from school looking and feeling upbeat and content after the first week was over. "There's a hop in your step now," he said. "You look like you just finished taking a shit all the time."
On Friendship II
"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."
On Breaking the Neighbor's Window fro the Third Time in a Year
"What in the hell is the matter with you? This is the third time! You know, at this point I think it's the neighbor's fault... No not really, it's your fucking fault, I'm just in denial right now that my DNA was somehow involved in something this stupid."
On My First Driving Lesson
"First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?... Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that's not moving makes you an asshole."
On Selling His Beloved 1967 Two-Door Mercury Cougar
"This is what happens when you have a family. You sacrifice. [ Pause ] You sacrifice a lot. [Long pause] It's gonna be in your best interest to stay away from me for the next couple days."
On Proper Etiquette for Borrowing His Car
"You borrowed the car, and now it smells like shit. I don't care if you smell like shit, that's your business. But when you shit up my car, then that's my business. Take it somewhere and un-shit that smell."
On Curfew
"I don't give a shit what time you get home, just don't wake me up. That's your curfew: not waking me up."
On the Democratic System
"We're having fish for dinner... Fine, let's take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?... Yeah, democracy ain't so fun when it fucks you, huh?"
On Taking My First Girlfriend to Las Vegas
"Vegas? I don't get it, neither of you are old enough to gamble. You're not old enough to drink. The only thing you're old enough to do is rent a hotel and - ah, I gotcha. That's smart."
On My Interest in Going Skydiving
"You won't go do that, I know it... Son, I used to wipe your ass, I know you better than you know you... Fine, Mom used to wipe it, but I was usually nearby."
On the Arm Injury That Ended My Baseball Career
"I'm really sorry, son If you're pissed off and you need to blow off some steam, let me know. We'll go smash some golf balls or something... Oh right, the arm. Well, there's other, nonphysical ways to blow off steam."
"I don't want to know what goes on in that house," he said when I finally asked him if he wanted to come check it out.
"Dad, there's nothing bad going on in the house."
"No. You're not understanding me. I don't care what goes on in that house. It's called apathy. Look it up."
"You little shit," he said. "I can't wait till you have some kid and you get to worry about what happens to him. You never stop worrying about your children. It sucks. You watch what you stick your dick into, because this is your life, this bullshit right here."
On Finding the Best Deal
"Man, you should have seen your mom tear that RadioShack manager a new asshole. I would venture to say she made a home inside his asshole. That will be the last time RadioShack tries to fuck with your mother."
On Driving Through West Hollywood, Where I Lived My First Year in L.A.
"There seem to be a lot of gay people there... Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind."
On Dealing with Loud Neighbors
"Have you told them it bothers you?... Are they bigger than you?... Are you afraid of getting you ass kicked?... Ah, okay, I probably should have asked that question first, woulda saved time. Yeah, you're just gonna have to deal with the noise, son."
I never would have thought a person could so energetically toast a job that paid minimum wage, but my dad's pride was completely genuine.
On Corporate Mascots
"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni, it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real, damn it!"
On Understanding One's Place in the Food Chain
"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."
On Built-Up Expectations
"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big letdown."
On Tailgating the Driver in Front of Me
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."
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